I Should Be Used To It

I should be used to it by now.

The fact that we are no longer an item.

The fact that there is no retribution,

No dramatic comeback

Like the way it’s done in

The movies you enjoy so much,

or at least a downgrade to close friends.

By now, I should be used to the idea

That there is no us, 

that there’s just Me and you,

And yet months later, 

I’m still not.

It’s only been a little over a year

since i was wifed up, 

taken, 

with you.

It wasn’t my longest relationship:

Countable with two hands and a foot,

But it was the most hopeful of them all.

As a pessimist, I had high hopes for us.

That things would be different,

That life was finally getting good for Me.

But you were my beautiful Christmas gift

that ruined before mid January,

like Valentine’s Day flowers in Early March,

Right when i was getting comfortable

With the idea of an us in the first place.

Maybe it was too fast, 

maybe it was too slow;

Maybe i was too slow, 

and someone else was faster

Hitting all the right spots that I could never reach.

But I was just the boy who wrote poems for you,

Your many suitors had cars and money and

Veins on body parts that i can’t say aloud.

So maybe that was the reason 

why you suddenly wanted to call it quits one night.

I didn’t truly understand it then.

Because maybe I could have been who you wanted.

The dominant daddy from your wattpad books or

The simple submissive nerd you could command or

The rich business guru in a suit, 

I have a suit, 

or whatever you were in the mood for,

Because months after it all came crumbling down

I banged my head against my wall, 

bruising myself,

Wishing I did push ups and pull ups far earlier,

Wishing I could have been who you wanted me to be

Because maybe you would have stayed that way?

These days,

Some part of Me despises you.

Wishes you the worst.

Hopes you get some itchy disease that

Keeps you in as much physical agony as

the mental agony you gave Me.

I want you so far away that

you’re nothing but a smudge on a map;

and yet

Some part of me begs for you.

Wants to apologize for faults I never even made.

Tie myself to a leash and give you the handle and

Beg on my knees for just one intimate night together

Some days I want you so close that I can

Feel your skin for hours,

Some days I want you back, 

flaws and all.

and I bounce between the two states

every time you cross my mind

And you do cross my mind.

Softly, 

violently, 

and both times I allow it.

Because no matter what I say or do

To some degree, 

I’ll always miss you.

or the idea of you, 

or the better days with you,

Or what we could have been.

You owe me a lot of money,

the way you live in my head rent free

Just because I miss you.

We talk now, 

arguably close friends.

And we talked about why it happened that way,

I understand it now.

I still crave you,

And I still imitate solid concrete

When we hug or I hold your hand,

But I don’t trust a thing you say or do anymore.

You’re no longer my goddess: 

I’m a non believer.

And I’ll never use my pen to write for you again,

Because now I am used to it.

The fact that there will be no retribution.

No dramatic comeback

Like the way it’s done in the movies

That now that I think of it, 

I actually always hated.

I’m used to the idea that there is no us,

that the only thing that matters to me now is Me

And yet some days, 

I’m not.

I bounce between it, 

you see.

I should be used to it.