Still Producing 

I woke up before my alarm again.

Got ahead of the day before the day could get ahead of me.

This is what discipline looks like.

This is what discipline looks like.

This is what … looks like.

I have been busy.

I have been so busy I forgot to cry about it.

I have been so busy, the feeling just…waited.

I have been so busy I started to think the waiting meant healing.

It did not mean healing.

My body sent a memo:

subject: urgent we

have not rested.

We have performed resting.

These are different things.

Please advise.

I marked it as read.

I did not reply.

I opened a new tab.

The productive ones don't fall apart.

The productive ones are fine.

The productive ones say, “ I’ve just been really

busy” and I mean

I am so far inside myself I cannot find the door.

Today I:

answered every message within the hour,

made something,

finished something,

started something else before I could feel anything about the thing

I finished.

Ate standing up,

said I’m good four times

meant it less each time

Somewhere around Tuesday

or maybe it was Wednesday,

or maybe it has been Wednesday for several months now —

I noticed my hands were still moving,

but I had gone somewhere else.

This is not a breakdown.

a breakdown would mean stopping.

this is just

the lights on,

nobody home,

the emails sending themselves,

the smile loading,

the smile

loading

loading.

I will rest when I finish this.

I will feel it when I finish this.

I will come back to my body

after this

after this

after…